today my family was discussing things that could be said during sex that you just couldn’t come back from.

lauren said “crunchitize me capitain!”

then mom proceeded to tell us this story, which actually occurred.

mom: put it in a little further
guy: it’s in all the way.
mom: …oh.

awkward.

once, riley and i decided i should eat this flower.

today i looked in the mirror and had to pretend becky was with me, so we could make exclaimations about how big my butt is. i could be one of those rap guys’ girlfriend.